Darkness. Complete darkness. Am I dead? No, I don’t think so. You can’t think when you’re dead… I don’t think. I guess I mean you can’t think “I am dead.” I think it would be more obvious. But it’s so dark. How did I get here? Why can’t I open my eyes? Why am I not waking up?
There was light, I remember now; they were headlights, a car accident. I must be in a hospital. But why can’t I move? Why is it so dark?
I hear weeping. It must be my wife – but I can’t remember her name. S… nope can’t remember.
A knock on the door. “Hello Terri.” Terri, that’s what her name is. I love Terri.
Her weeping stops and I imagine she’s turned to look at him but I can’t picture her face.
“What’s the verdict?” I hear her say, voice quivering.
“You should sit down,” responds the doctor. My stomach churns and if I could feel my face, I knew it would be hot with dread. A chair screeched as it slid across sterile floors and a thud indicated that my sweet Terri found a spot to rest.
“I’m afraid,” the male’s voice continued “I’m afraid he’s completely brain dead.”
Brain dead? I’m not brain dead! I’m not brain dead! I screamed. I guess I really thought it in the darkness.
“We have a few options,” I could hear him say. Terri was weeping again. Options. “We can keep him alive for a few weeks, see if something changes…”
“No.” I heard her cut him off. “He wouldn’t have wanted that.”
I do want that! I’m here! Keep me alive! I shouted. I’ll move my finger. I’ll show you. Keep me alive!
“Did he have a living will?” he asked.
“Yes, he didn’t want to be artificially kept alive.” She paused to cry again and he remained silent.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My sweet Terri, my sweet Terri. Betrayer. You’re going to kill me! I shouted. She didn’t hear. She didn’t care. She was selfish; so selfish. She’s going to kill me.
“We’ll need you to sign some paperwork,” he said gingerly. “I know it’s hard to hear, but we want to operate on organs as soon as we can; they save others you know.”
“Okay,” Terri responded through her sobs, “Goodbye my love,” she whispered in my ear.
Don’t sign them, Terri! Don’t sign them! I’m here.
A door closed and I was once again engulfed in black silence.